1 Chaptered: Lost Without Each Other
Dec. 12th, 2007 03:56 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
amorphousTitle: Lost Without Each Other (Chapter 4)
Co-Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
jandjsalmon
Words: circa 6000 the chapter
Rating: ultimately NC-17
Characters/Pairings: Theodore Nott/Tracey Davis
Warnings: character death, swearing, sex/smut, not exactly HBP compliant.
Author's Notes: I'm honored to be able to write our Theo/Tracey with my awesome friend, Jess.
Summary: Theodore Nott and Tracey Davis are happily in love. They plan to spend forever together until after several unforeseeable circumstances they are pulled apart. Eight years later, something they witnessed on one of their last dates comes back to haunt them both and push them together in ways neither is prepared for.
Summary for chapter: Tracey does the unthinkable, sending Theo in desperation. To make things worse, they strike a deal that tears them apart.
Previous chapters: 1 | 2 | 3
Theo woke up with Tracey still in his arms. She was warm and soft and he had to fight the urge to lean down and kiss her. She was still asleep, her breathing even. Her brown hair was in disarray and she was still naked. He glanced at the clock by his bed and saw it was time for breakfast, feeling guilty about waking her, he kissed her forehead. "Tracey, love, it's morning. It's time to wake up," he whispered against her hair. He didn't want to wake her up, but knew they had both skived off enough classes for one week.
She opened her eyes and found him staring at her. It couldn't be morning, not yet. She wasn't ready for what had to happen next so she didn't move.
Theo could tell she was awake, so he lifted her chin and whispered, "It's morning, Tracey. As much as I love having you here, we have to get up. I can't let you miss any more school. You're parents would have my hide."
Tracey looked down and nodded. She sat up without looking at him and pulled his blanket up around her chest. "Do you know where my clothes are?" she asked quietly.
Theo looked around for her. It would have been mortifying to find them thrown about on the floor as they'd been last night, but on the chest at the end of his bed sat her jumper and skirt folded on top her shoes. The house-elves must have known to whom they belonged and set them out for her neatly. Tracey took them silently and tried to dress while still under his blanket. She was acting strangely, but he had no idea what was wrong. It was if she didn't want him to see her.
When she was dressed, he reached over and gently moved her chin so she was looking at him. "Tracey, love, what's wrong?" he asked, looking at her with concern and caring. She evaded his gaze, looking anywhere but his eyes. Quickly, he pulled her to his side, wrapping his arms around her. "I'm not letting you go until you finally tell me what's bothering you," he told her in a serious tone. With her in his arms, she didn't have to look at him and for some reason he knew that would be a good thing for her.
Tracey tried to shake him off but his hold was firm. "I can't do this, Theo. Not now. Can't we keep pretending everything is going to be fine? Just for one more day?"
Theo was taken back and he let go of his tight hold on her. He wasn't sure what to make of her words and her voice was soft, submissive, not like her. "We're pretending?" he asked, his eyebrows rising in question. "I didn't know we weren't fine. Care to enlighten me?" His voice was still soft and kind, filled concern albeit confused concern.
She looked at him. He was so confused and hurt and she hadn't said anything yet. She didn't answer his question, she just pulled herself away from him and shook her head softly. "You can go up to breakfast without me, Theo. I'll see you in Potions." She got up off the bed and went to walk out of his dormitory, pausing to look back at him. It didn't matter that Draco was sitting up in his bed staring at her strangely or that Blaise was glaring at Theo from his wardrobe. All Tracey could see was Theo's face. He was stunned. In four years, she'd never dismissed him like that.
"Sure," Theo said, trying to save face. He didn't need to say something he'd regret. Not in front of everyone else and certainly not to her. After she walked out, the boys glared at him, acting like he had done something wrong to hurt her, but he had no clue what. Shooting a dirty look at the boys in return, he dressed as quickly as he could. With every intention of finding Tracey and demanding answers, he went to greenhouses, heading the third one where Tracey loved to spend free time and went when she was upset (if she couldn't find Theo that is). He had found her there during first year when she had received a failing grade in Potions. He found her there during Transfiguration and offered to tutor her. It had been their first real encounter as friends. He knew she'd be there.
She was sitting on one of the benches, softly touching the petals of the roses growing beside her. She looked like she was about to cry.
"Tracey," he called gently from the doorway, not approaching her just yet. "Can I come in?"
She sniffed, wiping her eyes covertly, and looked away from the doorway, away from him. "I thought you were going to breakfast, Theo."
Theo shook his head. "I'm not going to breakfast without you." He paused. "Can I come in?" he repeated, still not stepping forward. All he wanted to do was go to her and wrap his arms around, to try to comfort her. But he stayed put, watching her with concerned eyes.
She waved her hand in assent but didn't say anything. She supposed that here, in this place she loved above all others would be as good a setting as any to throw away the most important thing in her life.
Cautiously, he walked into the greenhouse and sat down to her on the bench. "What's wrong?" he said softly. Her eyes were averted from his, looking down at the roses. Reaching out he gently tilted her chin so she was looking at him. "Tracey? Honestly, love, tell me what's wrong? Did I do something? If it's about... If it's about what we've done the last two days... we don't have to ever have to do again. In fact, we can forget we ever did it in the first place-"
"NO!" Tracey's voice was firm and loud. Her eyes were wide and she finally looked in the eye, the alarm apparent on her face. It was the last thing in the world she wanted to do, forget what they had once been to one another.
"We could go back to the way things were," he continued, grasping at straws. Despite her evident denial, it seemed to him that the last things they'd done together would be the logical reason why something was bothering her now.
Tracey shook her head sadly and looked at the roses once more. "We can't," she whispered, defeated. "We can't go back to the way things were before. I can't do this any more. We can't... Theo, it has to be over."
Theo just stared at her for a moment. The shock and confusion almost broke him. The two words seemed to break his heart into pieces, crushing him. "What? Over?" he repeated softly, his voice fractured and soft as he stared into her green eyes. He wanted to hold her forever, keep her close to him, but the way she looked at him told him that was the last thing she wanted.
She stood so she wouldn't have to be so close to him. The urge to propel herself into his arms and beg him to ignore her words was too intense. She summoned up strength from somewhere and continued, never looking back at him, but rather staring at the roses. "You'll come to see that this is what's best. I'd only hold you back now. Aunt Lanie said that-" Her voice cracked.
"Who the hell cares what your Aunt Lanie said?!" he nearly shouted, standing up. Grabbing her shoulders, he swung her around to face him. "You won't hold me back, Tracey. I need you. I love you," he added softening his tone to a near whisper. He felt like crying, but knew it wouldn't help a damn thing and instead focused on his anger at someone butting into his relationship with the woman he loved.
Tracey felt like like dying. She didn't want this any more than he did. She loved him so much that even thinking the words hurt her. He was the other half of her and always would be, but now she had to think for him. "Aunt Lanie is right though. She and Daddy said that you'll need someone clever and useful. I'm neither. Love isn't enough for us."
"You are clever and useful. You are you, Tracey. Beautiful, intelligent, kind, generous. You are everything I need -- everything I want." He pleaded. The look in her eyes told him she regretted what she was doing. "Don't listen to your parents. They don't know me. They don't know us. They don't know what or who I need. I only need you, Tracey." Quickly, out of habit and the need to hold her more than anything else, he pulled her into his arms, embracing her tightly like he was afraid of loosing her forever. He loved her and never wanted to let her go. "Forget this nonsense, please," he whispered in her ear.
Tracey refused to the the tears that were threatening to fall. She was empty. Hollow and numb. She was preparing herself for forever without him. There was no such thing as love any more. She pulled away from him. "No, Theo. You don't need me. This... what we are - what we had, we're over. You'll see. They're right. This is what's best for you." Her voice was cold. She wasn't there any more. Her body was and her voice, but it wasn't really her.
Theo shook his head, swearing to himself. "Don't I get a say in this? Don't I get to tell you what I want? I don't want to loose you. I want you. Your parents -- what the hell do they know?" Theo asked, his voice matching her in its cold tone. He felt himself breaking inside, like she was ripping out his heart, a piece of him. He didn't feel whole any more. He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. "Tracey, please tell me how to fix this? Tell me I can fix this."
She knew he would say this, but in twenty years he would be grateful to her for ending this. Her eyes softened but she didn't give an inch. "There is nothing to fix." Her voice was sad but distant. I'm not really here. I'm gone. I don't matter. Only he matters. She knew she would have to lie. He wouldn't believe her any other way. "It was never going to be forever anyway. It was a school-girl fancy."
He shook his head fervently. "It was always going to be forever to me. I always wanted -- expected it to be forever. Don't do this to me. Please, don't leave me." The cold look in her eyes told him her mind wouldn't be changed that she was hellbent on following through with this mess. He leaned forward, gently brushing his lips against hers. "Tracey, if you really want to end this, then end this. But don't blame it on your parents or your aunt. It's your decision now." He prayed silently that she would say she didn't want this, that her decision was to stay with him. At this moment, as his body practically shook with fear over loosing her, he wanted nothing more then to propose to her and have her agree. He wanted her in his life -- forever and always. "It's your decision," he repeated into the silence, feeling cold inside at her lack of reply.
He was so close to her, she was sure he could read her thoughts. They betrayed her and she couldn't bear to dwell on them - not now and in front of him. To dwell on the forever he had spoken of would be her punishment for doing this to him. It was the thing she wanted most in the world, but she knew he deserved better, even if it meant she give up her only happiness. She didn't want to, but she knew the only thing to say to make him believe her. Tracey took a step back and flipped her long hair over her shoulder. "It's my decision. I'm done. We're done."
Theo closed his eyes, feeling like he had just been hit in the stomach. All the wind was knocked out of him, making it hard for him to breath and impossible to speak. Without a word, he turned around and walked out of the greenhouse. He left his dignity, his heart, and his soul in the greenhouse with her. He was alone. When he went into the Great Hall the students were still eating breakfast and he sat next to Blaise. Not greeting the other boy, her best friend, he said, "Tracey needs you in Greenhouse three." His tone was flat, and his pain wasn't obvious. He wasn't sure he was feeling pain. He didn't feel anything, but empty. Blaise shot him a dirty look, and got up and left the Hall without a word to him.
He dished himself breakfast and ate slowly, watching the students leave the Hall quietly to their morning classes but not really seeing any of them.
---
Tracey wasn't crying. She wouldn't let herself cry. She'd suspected that logic and reason wouldn't have worked on him. It would take a lie. If he'd said the same excuses to her - her parents, her godmother - she wouldn't have listened either. It would have only taken him saying he didn't love her any more to convince her that it was really over.
She didn't turn around when she heard the door close. She knew he'd send her Blaise. Theo knew exactly what she needed and if he couldn't pull her close and comfort her he would send her someone who could.
"Tracey? Nott said you needed me. Are you all right?" His voice was full of concern and when she turned around to look at him his concern turned to anger. What had that bastard Nott done?"
He walked to her quickly and pulled her into his arms. They'd been friends since they were babies, spent every holiday together, knew more about each other than their own parents. The only person who knew her better than Blaise was Theo - theirs had been an emotional intimacy that couldn't be rivaled with that of someone you considered family.
She pulled away and forced a smile. "I'm fine, Blaise. Thank you for coming, but you can go back to break-"
"What the hell did he do, Poppet? I'm not going anywhere, breakfast be damned," Blaise growled at her. "Does this have something to do with Mum coming here yesterday? He didn't say anything about that, did he? He knows how the two of you are."
The smile left her face and she paled a bit. "No, Blaise. He's done nothing wrong! It's me. Please don't say anything to anyone. We're just... we're just not 'together' any more."
Blaise looked taken aback. What did she mean? Those two had been together for so long that most people didn't think of them as separate people any more. He did, but then he'd never really liked that she'd formed such a strong attachment when they were so young. She was supposed to be the best friend he had fun with until they were older and until both of them were ready to settle down. He had so many questions but he knew that she must be hurting, so he kept them to himself and just reached out to hug her again. "Come here Trace. Look on the bright side, Lovegood and I aren't exclusive. Now you can really have your favourite Slytherin all to yourself."
She didn't really smile, but her face lightened a bit as she raised an eyebrow at him. "I thought Draco and Pans were still together. You really think he'd give her up for me?"
At his look of mock horror she smiled wearily. "Thank you... for being here, Blaise. I'll be fine. It's all for the best. Shall we go to class then? You don't think Draco will mind if you sit beside me in Potions today, do you? I don't think I can..."
Blaise interrupted her. He wouldn't have her worry about Nott. If the bastard, who he was sure had done something - Tracey wouldn't have let him go over nothing, made a scene in class he'd have words with him. "I don't give a flying fuck what Draco thinks. You'll be sitting with me in Potions and what other class do you have with Nott? Herbology? Draco will sit with you there. Either Draco or another one of us. I'll sit through Sprout again if I have to. You don't have to sit with him again, you hear me? Don't even think on it again, love. Now, to the kitchens for something to eat. You're not going to class without something in you."
She nodded, despite being sure she wouldn't be able to stomach anything, and allowed him to walk her out of the greenhouses toward the kitchens.
---
Theo endured the teasing of the other Slytherins, blaming him for the breakup, all afternoon. He almost got into a physical fight with Blaise when he pointedly ignored the taunting. Draco repeatedly harassed him that Tracey must have dumped him because he was bad in bed. Theo doubted that was the case, but truly couldn't sure. How would he know if he was good in bed or not? Despite Tracey's efforts, though half-hearted, to ask their fellow classmates to leave him alone, they kept on him, making his life miserable as they tried to protect their friend. He couldn't blame them really. If she was his friend and she had just broken up with her boyfriend of four years, he would be just as obnoxious. When Theo finally got to bed that night, Friday night, he was happy to know all the charms to keep the other boys from continuing to mock him. He just wanted silence and when he closed the curtain, it was a reprieve he needed. He closed her eyes, laying back on the pillows and hoping that the charm would keep her from entering his thoughts too, but it didn't work. He dreamt of her, of her kisses, of her touches, and most of all of the look in her eyes when she said they were over. He knew she hadn't meant a damn word of it, yet he'd decided to just let it go, to just let her have her space until she came back to him.
He groaned. His bed still smelled of sex from the night before and before it could turn his stomach, he immediately cleansed it, making it smell as fresh as new linens. He sighed, groaning. It was too much. She was part of him now. It was quite obvious she would never leave his mind. Reaching under his pillow, he found her black knickers, the ones she hadn't been able to find and without which she'd taunted him the night before. He thought, in anger, that he ought to throw them across the room - leaving them were his dorm mates could see and jeer about them, but thought better of it. Whispering the spell, he sent them to her bed, hoping she cringed at the sight, remembering why they must be there and know a tiny sliver of the pain he was feeling.
He lay restlessly that night, tossing and turning - never truly sleeping. When the light filtered through the room the next morning, he stayed in his bed not even bothering to look out of the curtain. He couldn't hear a thing from the room and was thankful. He needed his peace. Pulling out a book from his bedside table, he started to read. Dante's Inferno was one of his favorite books, and normally it would be easy to loose himself in it. But now all he could think about was that the morning before in the greenhouse was his ninth circle of hell. The pain he still felt was unbearable. She was gone. She had avoided him all day, not even bothering to tell the boys to be quiet when she was the one who broke up with him and not for the reason they accused him of childishly.
Closing his eyes, he dropped the book on his chest. It was impossible to fall into it. It all came back to Tracey and how her breakup was his hell. His ninth circle of hell. "Fuck," he muttered, slamming his head back down on the pillow in frustration.
---
Tracey hadn't slept all all. Even when Pansy had tried to force her to bed, she hadn't moved. She sat in the wing-back chair opposite her wardrobe with her knees pulled up against her chest just staring out the window all night. When the first rays of sunlight drifted into the room and Millie started getting ready for the day, Tracey shook her head out of the fog it was in and tried not to look at anyone or think of anything in particular. It wasn't until Millicent pointed at something black sitting on the end of her own bedspread that Tracey was fully aware of what was going on in the room around her.
"Who's are those?" Millie's horrified voice startled sleeping Pansy.
Tracey stepped between the pillow that was thrown by the now cranky girl and caught it with two hands before reaching up and grabbing her knickers off Millie's bed. Her heart sunk. "They're mine. Theo didn't know we changed beds. I haven't told... I never had a chance to tell him that you asked me to move over there."
The other girl looked at her strangely, but just shook her head and murmured quietly to herself before she stepped out for breakfast.
Tracey jumped when Pansy's tired voice spoke, "Why wouldn't he just give them to you when you make up, Trace? We all know you will. Even if a bloke is bad in bed, when you love him you can't help but take him back. Why do you think I'm still with Draco?"
Tracey shrugged noncommittally. She didn't want to talk about Theo. She knew exactly why he'd done it, and she deserved the slap in the face. There wasn't going to be a 'getting back together'. She had done the most horrible thing imaginable. She'd broken his heart. The only thing keeping her from falling apart was that she knew why she'd done it. She knew it was for his good, and while he would likely never forgive her, at least she managed a way for him to get over her. She wasn't worth holding a grudge over. He'd heal in time. She only wished she could say the same for herself.
Pansy was sensitive enough to recognise that this was private so she stood up and walked out of the dorm, intending to crawl into Draco's with him. She only turned back once and when and saw the emptiness on her friends face she decided that as much as she wanted to harass Nott about his sexual prowess or lack thereof, she wouldn't. Tracey loved him. She was sure of it. Whatever had precipitated this break-up... it was nothing to laugh at.
Conjuring up a box and walking slowly, Tracey began sliding in things that belonged to Theo. His scarf, the one she'd stolen from him two years before in the Quidditch stands. It had been tied around the post of her bed to be saved until it was time to pack away her clothes for the school year. She'd worn it all winter long. Folding it, she placed it lovingly in the box. She put all the jewelery he'd bought her, save once piece, in a small pouch and then set it inside the box. He'd never forgotten a single birthday, Valentine's Day or anniversary. It was wrong to keep them now. The only thing she couldn't give up was the very first thing... the locket he'd bought her on their first Hogsmeade weekend. Inside sat pictures of them that day. They had been smiling awkwardly, but now both images looked like they were about to die. She couldn't make herself give that away. She just couldn't. She put the long chain around her neck and slipped it under her collar. No one had to see it there but her.
She opened her wardrobe and pulled out school shirts and jumpers she'd nicked from him. She'd taken ties to wear with her uniform and even managed a pair of his monogrammed socks. There was hardly a section of her life that he hadn't influenced. Even when she got to her book collection. The classics were all gifts from him. Her own parents hadn't thought it was important for her to read. Trophy wives didn't need to be intelligent - they just needed to be gorgeous. Theo had encouraged her to expand her mind. The books, though gifts, all belonged to him now. She spread her fingers over the cover of her favourite - Wollstonecraft's Vindication of the Rights of Woman. She wasn't living very much like the enlightened women that Wollstonecraft had encouraged them to be. She shook her head and placed the books softly in the now nearly full box.
Once she was done she sat and stared at the collection of their life together for a long time. Four years and all it accumulated to was one large box full of memories. Tracey wasn't fool enough to believe that anything she'd left at home would still be there. Her parents would have seen fit to redecorate and get rid of anything that would possibly remind their daughter of this folly that could have consumed them all.
Instead of doing the exact thing that Theo had done to her, Tracey called a house-elf and asked him politely to take the box to Theodore Nott in his dorm and give it to him as discretely as possible. She couldn't stop her friends' tongues from wagging, they wouldn't listen to her requests for respect and privacy, but she would give him every ounce of dignity that she could. She knew he deserved so much more than that. Once the elf left with the box there was only one thing left to do. She placed the black lace that she had been clenching in her fist on her desk and pointed at her knickers with her wand. "Incendio," she whispered, and then it was all gone.
She crawled into her bed and finally allowed herself to cry. It would be the one time she gave herself the luxury to be sad about this. Soon enough she would need a mask. For right then, she needed to cry. The sobs came and racked her body, and every pore of her body ached with misery and despair. There would be no end to this pain. There was nothing after this.
---
The weekend went by fast. Theo stayed in his dorm, not eating or drinking anything. He actually slept more than he thought he could; it felt like hours on end, only to dream of Tracey. Grabbing a piece of parchment out of his bag and a quill, he scrawled down the four words he still meant: "I still love you." Signing his name easily and hoping it might bring her around, he sent it to her on her bed. He had overheard of her change of beds, thankfully, and sent it to the correct bed this time, his face reddening at the thought he had sent the knickers to someone else's bed.
A house elf came in carrying a box and immediately went to Theo, who was lounging on his bed, trying to ignore the fact classes were in the morning and the harassment would start again (not that it had ended during the weekend, but he got a welcome reprieve as he hauled up in his bed). "Mr. Nott," the house elf squeaked, drawing his attention fully. "Miss Davis wants you to have these."
Quietly he took the box before dismissing the elf who pop out silently. Theo shoved the box under his bed, knowing what had to be inside it and not ready to face it yet. Sighing, he realized he had things of hers in here too that he had to give back. He packed the box, not allowing the tears the pain wanted him to shed. Once the box was full, he sent it to her bedroom, not bothering with an elf since he knew she was still out on the grounds with her friends, forgetting about him. Feeling pathetic suddenly, he grabbed his things for a shower.
Once showered, he threw on his cloak and went upstairs, his stomach grumbling for food. His first stop was the kitchens where he got the house elves to give him leftovers. He ate greedily and in peace. "Thank you," he told the house elves genuinely as he took his leave.
Walking out onto the grounds, he scanned for Tracey, but she wasn't in sight and he headed for the edge where he could sit beneath a tree. It would be too close to the Forbidden Forest for comfort, but he didn't care. The closer he was to the forest, the less likely it was someone would come over purposely just to harass him. Leaning against the tree trunk, he closed his eyes and sighed heavily. Even he could admit that he had needed to be outside, to be somewhere other than his bed. Dwelling and wallowing in his misery would not help any, but if he got out in the world again, like a man would, he knew he could deal with anything, including Tracey ripping his heart out.
For the only time in four years, Theo wished he had made other friends -- real friends, not just friends by proxy -- that might help him now, cheer him up, but he had always been a loner. His mother had been more than surprised when he told her that he had a girlfriend.
He sat there brooding when Tracey turned the corner and stopped. She saw him under the tree and her stomach retched. She'd just gotten rid of Blaise and Pansy and their hovering and had left to walk the grounds - to be somewhere he wasn't. It was almost like they were worried she would do something drastic - they didn't realise that there was nothing more drastic that what she had already done. She'd been foolish to assume that he was still angry in his room and she hadn't expected him to be in that spot. Anywhere but there. He probably didn't even realise that it had been where they had last stood together by that oaf Hagrid's hut.
He looked up and their eyes met just for a moment before she looked down and quickly turned away. She couldn't face him. Never again could she look into his blue eyes. She didn't have the right. She hurried back to the dungeons. She shrugged off Blaise when he rushed to her in the common room and all but ran into her dorm. Seeing the box on her bed made her stop.
Pansy followed her in and in a rare moment of tenderness touched her friend's shoulder. "It showed up a little while ago," she said quietly. "I didn't know what you wanted done with it, so we just left it."
Tracey nodded mutely. She walked to the bed and peered into the box. Her favourite quill, the hair brush she'd left on his dressing table, the first edition of Jane Austen's Persuasion that he'd bought for her birthday - it was all there. She didn't want to face it, so she slowly found her bag and wrote on a piece of parchment. Theo, I neither want nor deserve any of these things. Please get rid of them as you see fit. She didn't bother to sign it, her handwriting was enough for him to know who sent it. With a flick of her wand the box was gone - presumably back in his dorm for him to do with what he liked.
It wasn't until she sat down on the bed that she saw the note. It had been under the box and she'd missed upon her first glance. Picking it up and reading it she couldn't control the tears again. She knew she ought to send it back to him or burn it like she had her knickers but she couldn't. She folded it and held it to her heart as she sobbed into her pillow once again.
When Theo saw Tracey's shocked face on the grounds his heart had squeezed in his chest, He dismissed the idea of ever getting over her and started to walk toward the dungeons where he could take refuge. The common room was rather empty, making Theo thankful as he headed for the girl's dorm. He knocked on the door, hoping anyone but Pansy would answer. He wasn't in the mood to deal with Pansy and her cheekiness.
He only stood outside the door for a moment before he heard the sobbing from inside. He opened the door without a girl allowing him entrance, using the charm Draco had taught all the boys to allow them entrance into the girls' dorms, and his eyes immediately fell on Tracey. She was curled up on her bed, sobbing to herself. She wasn't trying to be quiet either. He crossed the room and stopped just by her bed, kneeling and pushing the hair back from her face. "Tracey, if we can't be together, we can at least be friends. And as a friend, I can see you, talk to you, even hug you if you need comfort." The words nearly broke his heart. He didn't want to be friends -- he wanted to be more. He'd always wanted to be more with her.
She looked up at him through tear-filled eyes. He was close enough to touch, and even though he was blurry she could still see how much his heart hurt. She hadn't wanted to cause that. It killed her that she caused that. She loved him so much and when he hurt, she hurt all the more. She wanted so badly to give in, but she just couldn't give him what he asked. "Please go away, Theo. I can't have you here. I can't see you here. You can't hug me or love me." She turned away from him, scooting herself further on the bed so he could no longer touch her. "It will be so much better for you if you just let me go. Please let me go. Let me give you that."
He sat down on the bed next to her, draping his arm around her shoulder despite the fact she obviously didn't want it there. "I can't let you go. I understand -- Well, no I don't, but I respect the fact you don't want to be 'together', but I still want to be there for you. I can't just forget I love you, Tracey. If I truly loved you, and I still do, it would be impossible to just let you go." He squeezed her shoulders. "Let me be your friend. Perhaps it will make the end of the relationship better... for you."
She eyed him incredulously. This was beyond anything she could comprehend. "Theo. I don't want to be friends with you. Can't you see that you being here... you loving me- it's not helping me get over us? Hell, it's been one day and I want to die. Can't you leave me be?" She pulled away and rolled off the bed. "I may have agreed that I would do this, but I can't bear seeing you, having you here but not being able to touch you. I'm going home. I'm sure Mummy and Daddy will take me home. It's not like I need to be here anyway." She wiped her eyes quickly and flipped her hair. She tried to make her face blank as she stood before him. She didn't want him to see how much this hurt her - she'd loved school. She'd loved him.
Theo stood up, crossing his arms over his chest. "Tracey can you honestly say you want to go home? You need the exams. You need the grades. You need the N.E.W.T.S.You cannot go home early. It's not fair to you." He sighed. Despite the fact her life was her life, he couldn't help but be angry at her for being acting like her future didn't matter. "Do not go home. If me being around you is too hard, then I swear I'll leave you alone. I'll pretend you don't exist so you can easily pretend I don't exist. We'll ignore each other. We'll pretend we don't go to the same damn school, let alone most of the same classes."
He paused, frowning and wanting nothing more than to pull her into his arms to comfort her. "I swear I'll make this easy for you. I'll just fade into the background. We can work out a schedule for the Great Hall. You go for the second half of a dining period and I'll go for the first. We will work out a library schedule or maybe I'll just stop going all together. I'll stay out of the common room so you don't have to deal with me in there or be scared to have to at least. I'll make this easy for you. I'll make sure you don't have to see me. Just do not -- please do not -- leave school. If it's me, like you say, then you will be fine without me in your face all the time. I don't want to be a burden to you, Tracey. It's not fair. I'm not worth it."
Her voice was cold. Colder than her heart was, that's for sure. "You'll not stop going to the library. You will be successful and prove them all wrong. I won't let you ruin your future, not for me. I'm not worth it." He looked as though he was about to interrupt so she held her hand up to stop his so she could continue. "You will never be able to fade into the background... not to me, that's why I should go home. I don't need the grades. I don't need the N.E.W.T.S. I'm not going to do anything with my life anyway." Her voice cracked. "The only way I can do this - the only way you can help me is by not speaking to me, not touching me - don't even look at me. It makes me want what I can't have and I can't live like that. Can you promise that?"
He nodded, helping her break his own heart. "I can promise that if you promise to stay all term." He paused. "And stop saying that crap about yourself! You know it's not true. You'll be successful and happy. You'll be something."
He had no idea, she thought. She didn't want to be something. Shaking her head slightly, she whispered, "I'll stay all term. I'll stay." And I'll die a little every day I'm not with you.
"Good," he said curtly. "I'll start this not speaking to you deal now." With one last look at her, he turned around and left the girls' dorm, getting a curious look Pansy as he passed her. He went to the boys' dorm. The whole way there, which seemed like forever when it wasn't, he felt like breaking down. He never thought she'd stay away. Laying down on his bed heavily, he whispered, "I love you, Tracey. I'll always love you." He closed his eyes, hearing other boys come in after him.
"So, she turned you down? Must be really bad then," Draco's drawl teased him.
Reaching over, he yanked the curtain closed, casting the silencing and unmoving charms on it so he didn't have to deal with the taunting. He wasn't bad in bed. If he was it wouldn't be hard for her not to touch him, he reasoned with himself. Despite what he'd said to her, he knew, in the back of his mind, the real reason he didn't want her to leave school was because he wanted her to be near him even if he couldn't touch or speak to her. He wanted to know she was there, safe - even if he couldn't touch her.
Co-Author:
jandjsalmonWords: circa 6000 the chapter
Rating: ultimately NC-17
Characters/Pairings: Theodore Nott/Tracey Davis
Warnings: character death, swearing, sex/smut, not exactly HBP compliant.
Author's Notes: I'm honored to be able to write our Theo/Tracey with my awesome friend, Jess.
Summary: Theodore Nott and Tracey Davis are happily in love. They plan to spend forever together until after several unforeseeable circumstances they are pulled apart. Eight years later, something they witnessed on one of their last dates comes back to haunt them both and push them together in ways neither is prepared for.
Summary for chapter: Tracey does the unthinkable, sending Theo in desperation. To make things worse, they strike a deal that tears them apart.
Previous chapters: 1 | 2 | 3
Theo woke up with Tracey still in his arms. She was warm and soft and he had to fight the urge to lean down and kiss her. She was still asleep, her breathing even. Her brown hair was in disarray and she was still naked. He glanced at the clock by his bed and saw it was time for breakfast, feeling guilty about waking her, he kissed her forehead. "Tracey, love, it's morning. It's time to wake up," he whispered against her hair. He didn't want to wake her up, but knew they had both skived off enough classes for one week.
She opened her eyes and found him staring at her. It couldn't be morning, not yet. She wasn't ready for what had to happen next so she didn't move.
Theo could tell she was awake, so he lifted her chin and whispered, "It's morning, Tracey. As much as I love having you here, we have to get up. I can't let you miss any more school. You're parents would have my hide."
Tracey looked down and nodded. She sat up without looking at him and pulled his blanket up around her chest. "Do you know where my clothes are?" she asked quietly.
Theo looked around for her. It would have been mortifying to find them thrown about on the floor as they'd been last night, but on the chest at the end of his bed sat her jumper and skirt folded on top her shoes. The house-elves must have known to whom they belonged and set them out for her neatly. Tracey took them silently and tried to dress while still under his blanket. She was acting strangely, but he had no idea what was wrong. It was if she didn't want him to see her.
When she was dressed, he reached over and gently moved her chin so she was looking at him. "Tracey, love, what's wrong?" he asked, looking at her with concern and caring. She evaded his gaze, looking anywhere but his eyes. Quickly, he pulled her to his side, wrapping his arms around her. "I'm not letting you go until you finally tell me what's bothering you," he told her in a serious tone. With her in his arms, she didn't have to look at him and for some reason he knew that would be a good thing for her.
Tracey tried to shake him off but his hold was firm. "I can't do this, Theo. Not now. Can't we keep pretending everything is going to be fine? Just for one more day?"
Theo was taken back and he let go of his tight hold on her. He wasn't sure what to make of her words and her voice was soft, submissive, not like her. "We're pretending?" he asked, his eyebrows rising in question. "I didn't know we weren't fine. Care to enlighten me?" His voice was still soft and kind, filled concern albeit confused concern.
She looked at him. He was so confused and hurt and she hadn't said anything yet. She didn't answer his question, she just pulled herself away from him and shook her head softly. "You can go up to breakfast without me, Theo. I'll see you in Potions." She got up off the bed and went to walk out of his dormitory, pausing to look back at him. It didn't matter that Draco was sitting up in his bed staring at her strangely or that Blaise was glaring at Theo from his wardrobe. All Tracey could see was Theo's face. He was stunned. In four years, she'd never dismissed him like that.
"Sure," Theo said, trying to save face. He didn't need to say something he'd regret. Not in front of everyone else and certainly not to her. After she walked out, the boys glared at him, acting like he had done something wrong to hurt her, but he had no clue what. Shooting a dirty look at the boys in return, he dressed as quickly as he could. With every intention of finding Tracey and demanding answers, he went to greenhouses, heading the third one where Tracey loved to spend free time and went when she was upset (if she couldn't find Theo that is). He had found her there during first year when she had received a failing grade in Potions. He found her there during Transfiguration and offered to tutor her. It had been their first real encounter as friends. He knew she'd be there.
She was sitting on one of the benches, softly touching the petals of the roses growing beside her. She looked like she was about to cry.
"Tracey," he called gently from the doorway, not approaching her just yet. "Can I come in?"
She sniffed, wiping her eyes covertly, and looked away from the doorway, away from him. "I thought you were going to breakfast, Theo."
Theo shook his head. "I'm not going to breakfast without you." He paused. "Can I come in?" he repeated, still not stepping forward. All he wanted to do was go to her and wrap his arms around, to try to comfort her. But he stayed put, watching her with concerned eyes.
She waved her hand in assent but didn't say anything. She supposed that here, in this place she loved above all others would be as good a setting as any to throw away the most important thing in her life.
Cautiously, he walked into the greenhouse and sat down to her on the bench. "What's wrong?" he said softly. Her eyes were averted from his, looking down at the roses. Reaching out he gently tilted her chin so she was looking at him. "Tracey? Honestly, love, tell me what's wrong? Did I do something? If it's about... If it's about what we've done the last two days... we don't have to ever have to do again. In fact, we can forget we ever did it in the first place-"
"NO!" Tracey's voice was firm and loud. Her eyes were wide and she finally looked in the eye, the alarm apparent on her face. It was the last thing in the world she wanted to do, forget what they had once been to one another.
"We could go back to the way things were," he continued, grasping at straws. Despite her evident denial, it seemed to him that the last things they'd done together would be the logical reason why something was bothering her now.
Tracey shook her head sadly and looked at the roses once more. "We can't," she whispered, defeated. "We can't go back to the way things were before. I can't do this any more. We can't... Theo, it has to be over."
Theo just stared at her for a moment. The shock and confusion almost broke him. The two words seemed to break his heart into pieces, crushing him. "What? Over?" he repeated softly, his voice fractured and soft as he stared into her green eyes. He wanted to hold her forever, keep her close to him, but the way she looked at him told him that was the last thing she wanted.
She stood so she wouldn't have to be so close to him. The urge to propel herself into his arms and beg him to ignore her words was too intense. She summoned up strength from somewhere and continued, never looking back at him, but rather staring at the roses. "You'll come to see that this is what's best. I'd only hold you back now. Aunt Lanie said that-" Her voice cracked.
"Who the hell cares what your Aunt Lanie said?!" he nearly shouted, standing up. Grabbing her shoulders, he swung her around to face him. "You won't hold me back, Tracey. I need you. I love you," he added softening his tone to a near whisper. He felt like crying, but knew it wouldn't help a damn thing and instead focused on his anger at someone butting into his relationship with the woman he loved.
Tracey felt like like dying. She didn't want this any more than he did. She loved him so much that even thinking the words hurt her. He was the other half of her and always would be, but now she had to think for him. "Aunt Lanie is right though. She and Daddy said that you'll need someone clever and useful. I'm neither. Love isn't enough for us."
"You are clever and useful. You are you, Tracey. Beautiful, intelligent, kind, generous. You are everything I need -- everything I want." He pleaded. The look in her eyes told him she regretted what she was doing. "Don't listen to your parents. They don't know me. They don't know us. They don't know what or who I need. I only need you, Tracey." Quickly, out of habit and the need to hold her more than anything else, he pulled her into his arms, embracing her tightly like he was afraid of loosing her forever. He loved her and never wanted to let her go. "Forget this nonsense, please," he whispered in her ear.
Tracey refused to the the tears that were threatening to fall. She was empty. Hollow and numb. She was preparing herself for forever without him. There was no such thing as love any more. She pulled away from him. "No, Theo. You don't need me. This... what we are - what we had, we're over. You'll see. They're right. This is what's best for you." Her voice was cold. She wasn't there any more. Her body was and her voice, but it wasn't really her.
Theo shook his head, swearing to himself. "Don't I get a say in this? Don't I get to tell you what I want? I don't want to loose you. I want you. Your parents -- what the hell do they know?" Theo asked, his voice matching her in its cold tone. He felt himself breaking inside, like she was ripping out his heart, a piece of him. He didn't feel whole any more. He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. "Tracey, please tell me how to fix this? Tell me I can fix this."
She knew he would say this, but in twenty years he would be grateful to her for ending this. Her eyes softened but she didn't give an inch. "There is nothing to fix." Her voice was sad but distant. I'm not really here. I'm gone. I don't matter. Only he matters. She knew she would have to lie. He wouldn't believe her any other way. "It was never going to be forever anyway. It was a school-girl fancy."
He shook his head fervently. "It was always going to be forever to me. I always wanted -- expected it to be forever. Don't do this to me. Please, don't leave me." The cold look in her eyes told him her mind wouldn't be changed that she was hellbent on following through with this mess. He leaned forward, gently brushing his lips against hers. "Tracey, if you really want to end this, then end this. But don't blame it on your parents or your aunt. It's your decision now." He prayed silently that she would say she didn't want this, that her decision was to stay with him. At this moment, as his body practically shook with fear over loosing her, he wanted nothing more then to propose to her and have her agree. He wanted her in his life -- forever and always. "It's your decision," he repeated into the silence, feeling cold inside at her lack of reply.
He was so close to her, she was sure he could read her thoughts. They betrayed her and she couldn't bear to dwell on them - not now and in front of him. To dwell on the forever he had spoken of would be her punishment for doing this to him. It was the thing she wanted most in the world, but she knew he deserved better, even if it meant she give up her only happiness. She didn't want to, but she knew the only thing to say to make him believe her. Tracey took a step back and flipped her long hair over her shoulder. "It's my decision. I'm done. We're done."
Theo closed his eyes, feeling like he had just been hit in the stomach. All the wind was knocked out of him, making it hard for him to breath and impossible to speak. Without a word, he turned around and walked out of the greenhouse. He left his dignity, his heart, and his soul in the greenhouse with her. He was alone. When he went into the Great Hall the students were still eating breakfast and he sat next to Blaise. Not greeting the other boy, her best friend, he said, "Tracey needs you in Greenhouse three." His tone was flat, and his pain wasn't obvious. He wasn't sure he was feeling pain. He didn't feel anything, but empty. Blaise shot him a dirty look, and got up and left the Hall without a word to him.
He dished himself breakfast and ate slowly, watching the students leave the Hall quietly to their morning classes but not really seeing any of them.
---
Tracey wasn't crying. She wouldn't let herself cry. She'd suspected that logic and reason wouldn't have worked on him. It would take a lie. If he'd said the same excuses to her - her parents, her godmother - she wouldn't have listened either. It would have only taken him saying he didn't love her any more to convince her that it was really over.
She didn't turn around when she heard the door close. She knew he'd send her Blaise. Theo knew exactly what she needed and if he couldn't pull her close and comfort her he would send her someone who could.
"Tracey? Nott said you needed me. Are you all right?" His voice was full of concern and when she turned around to look at him his concern turned to anger. What had that bastard Nott done?"
He walked to her quickly and pulled her into his arms. They'd been friends since they were babies, spent every holiday together, knew more about each other than their own parents. The only person who knew her better than Blaise was Theo - theirs had been an emotional intimacy that couldn't be rivaled with that of someone you considered family.
She pulled away and forced a smile. "I'm fine, Blaise. Thank you for coming, but you can go back to break-"
"What the hell did he do, Poppet? I'm not going anywhere, breakfast be damned," Blaise growled at her. "Does this have something to do with Mum coming here yesterday? He didn't say anything about that, did he? He knows how the two of you are."
The smile left her face and she paled a bit. "No, Blaise. He's done nothing wrong! It's me. Please don't say anything to anyone. We're just... we're just not 'together' any more."
Blaise looked taken aback. What did she mean? Those two had been together for so long that most people didn't think of them as separate people any more. He did, but then he'd never really liked that she'd formed such a strong attachment when they were so young. She was supposed to be the best friend he had fun with until they were older and until both of them were ready to settle down. He had so many questions but he knew that she must be hurting, so he kept them to himself and just reached out to hug her again. "Come here Trace. Look on the bright side, Lovegood and I aren't exclusive. Now you can really have your favourite Slytherin all to yourself."
She didn't really smile, but her face lightened a bit as she raised an eyebrow at him. "I thought Draco and Pans were still together. You really think he'd give her up for me?"
At his look of mock horror she smiled wearily. "Thank you... for being here, Blaise. I'll be fine. It's all for the best. Shall we go to class then? You don't think Draco will mind if you sit beside me in Potions today, do you? I don't think I can..."
Blaise interrupted her. He wouldn't have her worry about Nott. If the bastard, who he was sure had done something - Tracey wouldn't have let him go over nothing, made a scene in class he'd have words with him. "I don't give a flying fuck what Draco thinks. You'll be sitting with me in Potions and what other class do you have with Nott? Herbology? Draco will sit with you there. Either Draco or another one of us. I'll sit through Sprout again if I have to. You don't have to sit with him again, you hear me? Don't even think on it again, love. Now, to the kitchens for something to eat. You're not going to class without something in you."
She nodded, despite being sure she wouldn't be able to stomach anything, and allowed him to walk her out of the greenhouses toward the kitchens.
---
Theo endured the teasing of the other Slytherins, blaming him for the breakup, all afternoon. He almost got into a physical fight with Blaise when he pointedly ignored the taunting. Draco repeatedly harassed him that Tracey must have dumped him because he was bad in bed. Theo doubted that was the case, but truly couldn't sure. How would he know if he was good in bed or not? Despite Tracey's efforts, though half-hearted, to ask their fellow classmates to leave him alone, they kept on him, making his life miserable as they tried to protect their friend. He couldn't blame them really. If she was his friend and she had just broken up with her boyfriend of four years, he would be just as obnoxious. When Theo finally got to bed that night, Friday night, he was happy to know all the charms to keep the other boys from continuing to mock him. He just wanted silence and when he closed the curtain, it was a reprieve he needed. He closed her eyes, laying back on the pillows and hoping that the charm would keep her from entering his thoughts too, but it didn't work. He dreamt of her, of her kisses, of her touches, and most of all of the look in her eyes when she said they were over. He knew she hadn't meant a damn word of it, yet he'd decided to just let it go, to just let her have her space until she came back to him.
He groaned. His bed still smelled of sex from the night before and before it could turn his stomach, he immediately cleansed it, making it smell as fresh as new linens. He sighed, groaning. It was too much. She was part of him now. It was quite obvious she would never leave his mind. Reaching under his pillow, he found her black knickers, the ones she hadn't been able to find and without which she'd taunted him the night before. He thought, in anger, that he ought to throw them across the room - leaving them were his dorm mates could see and jeer about them, but thought better of it. Whispering the spell, he sent them to her bed, hoping she cringed at the sight, remembering why they must be there and know a tiny sliver of the pain he was feeling.
He lay restlessly that night, tossing and turning - never truly sleeping. When the light filtered through the room the next morning, he stayed in his bed not even bothering to look out of the curtain. He couldn't hear a thing from the room and was thankful. He needed his peace. Pulling out a book from his bedside table, he started to read. Dante's Inferno was one of his favorite books, and normally it would be easy to loose himself in it. But now all he could think about was that the morning before in the greenhouse was his ninth circle of hell. The pain he still felt was unbearable. She was gone. She had avoided him all day, not even bothering to tell the boys to be quiet when she was the one who broke up with him and not for the reason they accused him of childishly.
Closing his eyes, he dropped the book on his chest. It was impossible to fall into it. It all came back to Tracey and how her breakup was his hell. His ninth circle of hell. "Fuck," he muttered, slamming his head back down on the pillow in frustration.
---
Tracey hadn't slept all all. Even when Pansy had tried to force her to bed, she hadn't moved. She sat in the wing-back chair opposite her wardrobe with her knees pulled up against her chest just staring out the window all night. When the first rays of sunlight drifted into the room and Millie started getting ready for the day, Tracey shook her head out of the fog it was in and tried not to look at anyone or think of anything in particular. It wasn't until Millicent pointed at something black sitting on the end of her own bedspread that Tracey was fully aware of what was going on in the room around her.
"Who's are those?" Millie's horrified voice startled sleeping Pansy.
Tracey stepped between the pillow that was thrown by the now cranky girl and caught it with two hands before reaching up and grabbing her knickers off Millie's bed. Her heart sunk. "They're mine. Theo didn't know we changed beds. I haven't told... I never had a chance to tell him that you asked me to move over there."
The other girl looked at her strangely, but just shook her head and murmured quietly to herself before she stepped out for breakfast.
Tracey jumped when Pansy's tired voice spoke, "Why wouldn't he just give them to you when you make up, Trace? We all know you will. Even if a bloke is bad in bed, when you love him you can't help but take him back. Why do you think I'm still with Draco?"
Tracey shrugged noncommittally. She didn't want to talk about Theo. She knew exactly why he'd done it, and she deserved the slap in the face. There wasn't going to be a 'getting back together'. She had done the most horrible thing imaginable. She'd broken his heart. The only thing keeping her from falling apart was that she knew why she'd done it. She knew it was for his good, and while he would likely never forgive her, at least she managed a way for him to get over her. She wasn't worth holding a grudge over. He'd heal in time. She only wished she could say the same for herself.
Pansy was sensitive enough to recognise that this was private so she stood up and walked out of the dorm, intending to crawl into Draco's with him. She only turned back once and when and saw the emptiness on her friends face she decided that as much as she wanted to harass Nott about his sexual prowess or lack thereof, she wouldn't. Tracey loved him. She was sure of it. Whatever had precipitated this break-up... it was nothing to laugh at.
Conjuring up a box and walking slowly, Tracey began sliding in things that belonged to Theo. His scarf, the one she'd stolen from him two years before in the Quidditch stands. It had been tied around the post of her bed to be saved until it was time to pack away her clothes for the school year. She'd worn it all winter long. Folding it, she placed it lovingly in the box. She put all the jewelery he'd bought her, save once piece, in a small pouch and then set it inside the box. He'd never forgotten a single birthday, Valentine's Day or anniversary. It was wrong to keep them now. The only thing she couldn't give up was the very first thing... the locket he'd bought her on their first Hogsmeade weekend. Inside sat pictures of them that day. They had been smiling awkwardly, but now both images looked like they were about to die. She couldn't make herself give that away. She just couldn't. She put the long chain around her neck and slipped it under her collar. No one had to see it there but her.
She opened her wardrobe and pulled out school shirts and jumpers she'd nicked from him. She'd taken ties to wear with her uniform and even managed a pair of his monogrammed socks. There was hardly a section of her life that he hadn't influenced. Even when she got to her book collection. The classics were all gifts from him. Her own parents hadn't thought it was important for her to read. Trophy wives didn't need to be intelligent - they just needed to be gorgeous. Theo had encouraged her to expand her mind. The books, though gifts, all belonged to him now. She spread her fingers over the cover of her favourite - Wollstonecraft's Vindication of the Rights of Woman. She wasn't living very much like the enlightened women that Wollstonecraft had encouraged them to be. She shook her head and placed the books softly in the now nearly full box.
Once she was done she sat and stared at the collection of their life together for a long time. Four years and all it accumulated to was one large box full of memories. Tracey wasn't fool enough to believe that anything she'd left at home would still be there. Her parents would have seen fit to redecorate and get rid of anything that would possibly remind their daughter of this folly that could have consumed them all.
Instead of doing the exact thing that Theo had done to her, Tracey called a house-elf and asked him politely to take the box to Theodore Nott in his dorm and give it to him as discretely as possible. She couldn't stop her friends' tongues from wagging, they wouldn't listen to her requests for respect and privacy, but she would give him every ounce of dignity that she could. She knew he deserved so much more than that. Once the elf left with the box there was only one thing left to do. She placed the black lace that she had been clenching in her fist on her desk and pointed at her knickers with her wand. "Incendio," she whispered, and then it was all gone.
She crawled into her bed and finally allowed herself to cry. It would be the one time she gave herself the luxury to be sad about this. Soon enough she would need a mask. For right then, she needed to cry. The sobs came and racked her body, and every pore of her body ached with misery and despair. There would be no end to this pain. There was nothing after this.
---
The weekend went by fast. Theo stayed in his dorm, not eating or drinking anything. He actually slept more than he thought he could; it felt like hours on end, only to dream of Tracey. Grabbing a piece of parchment out of his bag and a quill, he scrawled down the four words he still meant: "I still love you." Signing his name easily and hoping it might bring her around, he sent it to her on her bed. He had overheard of her change of beds, thankfully, and sent it to the correct bed this time, his face reddening at the thought he had sent the knickers to someone else's bed.
A house elf came in carrying a box and immediately went to Theo, who was lounging on his bed, trying to ignore the fact classes were in the morning and the harassment would start again (not that it had ended during the weekend, but he got a welcome reprieve as he hauled up in his bed). "Mr. Nott," the house elf squeaked, drawing his attention fully. "Miss Davis wants you to have these."
Quietly he took the box before dismissing the elf who pop out silently. Theo shoved the box under his bed, knowing what had to be inside it and not ready to face it yet. Sighing, he realized he had things of hers in here too that he had to give back. He packed the box, not allowing the tears the pain wanted him to shed. Once the box was full, he sent it to her bedroom, not bothering with an elf since he knew she was still out on the grounds with her friends, forgetting about him. Feeling pathetic suddenly, he grabbed his things for a shower.
Once showered, he threw on his cloak and went upstairs, his stomach grumbling for food. His first stop was the kitchens where he got the house elves to give him leftovers. He ate greedily and in peace. "Thank you," he told the house elves genuinely as he took his leave.
Walking out onto the grounds, he scanned for Tracey, but she wasn't in sight and he headed for the edge where he could sit beneath a tree. It would be too close to the Forbidden Forest for comfort, but he didn't care. The closer he was to the forest, the less likely it was someone would come over purposely just to harass him. Leaning against the tree trunk, he closed his eyes and sighed heavily. Even he could admit that he had needed to be outside, to be somewhere other than his bed. Dwelling and wallowing in his misery would not help any, but if he got out in the world again, like a man would, he knew he could deal with anything, including Tracey ripping his heart out.
For the only time in four years, Theo wished he had made other friends -- real friends, not just friends by proxy -- that might help him now, cheer him up, but he had always been a loner. His mother had been more than surprised when he told her that he had a girlfriend.
He sat there brooding when Tracey turned the corner and stopped. She saw him under the tree and her stomach retched. She'd just gotten rid of Blaise and Pansy and their hovering and had left to walk the grounds - to be somewhere he wasn't. It was almost like they were worried she would do something drastic - they didn't realise that there was nothing more drastic that what she had already done. She'd been foolish to assume that he was still angry in his room and she hadn't expected him to be in that spot. Anywhere but there. He probably didn't even realise that it had been where they had last stood together by that oaf Hagrid's hut.
He looked up and their eyes met just for a moment before she looked down and quickly turned away. She couldn't face him. Never again could she look into his blue eyes. She didn't have the right. She hurried back to the dungeons. She shrugged off Blaise when he rushed to her in the common room and all but ran into her dorm. Seeing the box on her bed made her stop.
Pansy followed her in and in a rare moment of tenderness touched her friend's shoulder. "It showed up a little while ago," she said quietly. "I didn't know what you wanted done with it, so we just left it."
Tracey nodded mutely. She walked to the bed and peered into the box. Her favourite quill, the hair brush she'd left on his dressing table, the first edition of Jane Austen's Persuasion that he'd bought for her birthday - it was all there. She didn't want to face it, so she slowly found her bag and wrote on a piece of parchment. Theo, I neither want nor deserve any of these things. Please get rid of them as you see fit. She didn't bother to sign it, her handwriting was enough for him to know who sent it. With a flick of her wand the box was gone - presumably back in his dorm for him to do with what he liked.
It wasn't until she sat down on the bed that she saw the note. It had been under the box and she'd missed upon her first glance. Picking it up and reading it she couldn't control the tears again. She knew she ought to send it back to him or burn it like she had her knickers but she couldn't. She folded it and held it to her heart as she sobbed into her pillow once again.
When Theo saw Tracey's shocked face on the grounds his heart had squeezed in his chest, He dismissed the idea of ever getting over her and started to walk toward the dungeons where he could take refuge. The common room was rather empty, making Theo thankful as he headed for the girl's dorm. He knocked on the door, hoping anyone but Pansy would answer. He wasn't in the mood to deal with Pansy and her cheekiness.
He only stood outside the door for a moment before he heard the sobbing from inside. He opened the door without a girl allowing him entrance, using the charm Draco had taught all the boys to allow them entrance into the girls' dorms, and his eyes immediately fell on Tracey. She was curled up on her bed, sobbing to herself. She wasn't trying to be quiet either. He crossed the room and stopped just by her bed, kneeling and pushing the hair back from her face. "Tracey, if we can't be together, we can at least be friends. And as a friend, I can see you, talk to you, even hug you if you need comfort." The words nearly broke his heart. He didn't want to be friends -- he wanted to be more. He'd always wanted to be more with her.
She looked up at him through tear-filled eyes. He was close enough to touch, and even though he was blurry she could still see how much his heart hurt. She hadn't wanted to cause that. It killed her that she caused that. She loved him so much and when he hurt, she hurt all the more. She wanted so badly to give in, but she just couldn't give him what he asked. "Please go away, Theo. I can't have you here. I can't see you here. You can't hug me or love me." She turned away from him, scooting herself further on the bed so he could no longer touch her. "It will be so much better for you if you just let me go. Please let me go. Let me give you that."
He sat down on the bed next to her, draping his arm around her shoulder despite the fact she obviously didn't want it there. "I can't let you go. I understand -- Well, no I don't, but I respect the fact you don't want to be 'together', but I still want to be there for you. I can't just forget I love you, Tracey. If I truly loved you, and I still do, it would be impossible to just let you go." He squeezed her shoulders. "Let me be your friend. Perhaps it will make the end of the relationship better... for you."
She eyed him incredulously. This was beyond anything she could comprehend. "Theo. I don't want to be friends with you. Can't you see that you being here... you loving me- it's not helping me get over us? Hell, it's been one day and I want to die. Can't you leave me be?" She pulled away and rolled off the bed. "I may have agreed that I would do this, but I can't bear seeing you, having you here but not being able to touch you. I'm going home. I'm sure Mummy and Daddy will take me home. It's not like I need to be here anyway." She wiped her eyes quickly and flipped her hair. She tried to make her face blank as she stood before him. She didn't want him to see how much this hurt her - she'd loved school. She'd loved him.
Theo stood up, crossing his arms over his chest. "Tracey can you honestly say you want to go home? You need the exams. You need the grades. You need the N.E.W.T.S.You cannot go home early. It's not fair to you." He sighed. Despite the fact her life was her life, he couldn't help but be angry at her for being acting like her future didn't matter. "Do not go home. If me being around you is too hard, then I swear I'll leave you alone. I'll pretend you don't exist so you can easily pretend I don't exist. We'll ignore each other. We'll pretend we don't go to the same damn school, let alone most of the same classes."
He paused, frowning and wanting nothing more than to pull her into his arms to comfort her. "I swear I'll make this easy for you. I'll just fade into the background. We can work out a schedule for the Great Hall. You go for the second half of a dining period and I'll go for the first. We will work out a library schedule or maybe I'll just stop going all together. I'll stay out of the common room so you don't have to deal with me in there or be scared to have to at least. I'll make this easy for you. I'll make sure you don't have to see me. Just do not -- please do not -- leave school. If it's me, like you say, then you will be fine without me in your face all the time. I don't want to be a burden to you, Tracey. It's not fair. I'm not worth it."
Her voice was cold. Colder than her heart was, that's for sure. "You'll not stop going to the library. You will be successful and prove them all wrong. I won't let you ruin your future, not for me. I'm not worth it." He looked as though he was about to interrupt so she held her hand up to stop his so she could continue. "You will never be able to fade into the background... not to me, that's why I should go home. I don't need the grades. I don't need the N.E.W.T.S. I'm not going to do anything with my life anyway." Her voice cracked. "The only way I can do this - the only way you can help me is by not speaking to me, not touching me - don't even look at me. It makes me want what I can't have and I can't live like that. Can you promise that?"
He nodded, helping her break his own heart. "I can promise that if you promise to stay all term." He paused. "And stop saying that crap about yourself! You know it's not true. You'll be successful and happy. You'll be something."
He had no idea, she thought. She didn't want to be something. Shaking her head slightly, she whispered, "I'll stay all term. I'll stay." And I'll die a little every day I'm not with you.
"Good," he said curtly. "I'll start this not speaking to you deal now." With one last look at her, he turned around and left the girls' dorm, getting a curious look Pansy as he passed her. He went to the boys' dorm. The whole way there, which seemed like forever when it wasn't, he felt like breaking down. He never thought she'd stay away. Laying down on his bed heavily, he whispered, "I love you, Tracey. I'll always love you." He closed his eyes, hearing other boys come in after him.
"So, she turned you down? Must be really bad then," Draco's drawl teased him.
Reaching over, he yanked the curtain closed, casting the silencing and unmoving charms on it so he didn't have to deal with the taunting. He wasn't bad in bed. If he was it wouldn't be hard for her not to touch him, he reasoned with himself. Despite what he'd said to her, he knew, in the back of his mind, the real reason he didn't want her to leave school was because he wanted her to be near him even if he couldn't touch or speak to her. He wanted to know she was there, safe - even if he couldn't touch her.
